My post awhile ago was really rude.
I’m just really fed up. :(
I’m tired of being alone all the time.
I wanna cut myself again. Ugh.
All of my friends are friggin’ stupid to believe me.
Of course, I am NOT.
How in the world did they not know that?
Sometimes, I really can’t understand how insensitive they are.
So stupid that I even call them friends.
What I even don’t understand is that, whenever when they have problems, they all come rushing into me, me being their sadness-absorber or whatsoever fucking-shoulder to-lean-on thing, but when I am the one who needs them, they just fucking disappear!
What the? Really, friends? really?
Just ugh. Elementary friends, High school friends or College friends, OR JUST ANYBODY WHO CALL THEMSELVES AS MY FRIEND…
ALL OF YOU ARE THE SAME!
You? You call yourself my friend? Really? Is that what you are?
NO, NO YOU ARE NOT BITCH. NO, YOU ARE NOT ASSHOLE.
BECAUSE EVERY TIME I NEED ALL OF YOU, YOU WALK AWAY, YOU LEAVE ME BEHIND. YOU USE ME. YOU ABUSE MY KINDNESS, MY LOVE, MY CARE, MY FRIENDSHIP.
I really can’t find someone to confide with and these feelings are tiring me out. I know I am so dramatic and shit but it’s really hard to keep up a happy mood all the time so that you won’t attract attention from your friends and family and it suck, really.
It’s so hard. It’s like you can’t breathe in oxygen enough to fill your lungs and you feel your heartbeat ringing in your ears. You want to cry but you’re afraid that if the tears will fall, it might not stop.
I want to talk to someone but it seems like no one would listen, there maybe some, but, the question is that, ‘Do they really care?’ or ‘Are they just curious?’
I am only 17 but I feel like my heart already pumped for a century that I know, soon, it would just give up.
Oh. Kill me.
That line is from the song Can we still be friends. Mandy Moore’s version is what I like much.
Anyway, I didn’t post that song to talk about its musicality and so whatever.
I have this close friend, I mean, not just close, real close and we treat each other like brother and sister, though I know some time in between, I
fall for him.
It wasn’t easy repressing those feelings, but hey, I managed it.
The friendship was natural. I didn’t beg for his company, the talks with him was easy and breezy, and honestly, I thought that OUR friendship will last, but then, yes, you guessed it, it didn’t.
I wasn’t really conscious of what happened, but things got suddenly awkward, unnatural and things didn’t fall into pieces, unlike before, the sail was smooth, like the waves are in line with us.
Well, what really saddens me is the fact that I am the only one who is feeling like this - wrecked, affected, and somehow, incomplete. After all, he was one of my first college friends.
I guess, that’s it, And about the line above, there’s just things that kept on reminding me of him, and it really sucks because I know that I’m the only one who remembers it.
I was only a page, but for me, he was the whole book.
I mean, First year, First Semester book.
Can we still be friends?
Can we still get together sometime?
I don’t incline myself to any other kinds of stupidity except for falling for the wrong person. Over and over again.
And that really sucks. Ugh.
As I was surfing tumblr, I explored the tag “swim” and I found the quote above.
It hit me so hard that I almost cried.
Why? Why now? When I just thought you’re one of the person who will never leave me. I never ask you for anything and yet you left me. I don’t know if the current pulled you away from me or it is really you that swam away from me.
The ocean of sadness has come to drown me. You taught me how to swim but you never taught me how to do it without you. You left me drowning. Why? I tried to drown my sorrows but every time I try to forget you, memories wash away my numbness.
Why now? Why? Save me. :(
Sorry for the swimmer spam.
As I said, I’m not a swimmer.
But my heart belongs to one… And he broke it. </3
Clearly and obviously, you know me that much to even mention my crush’s name.
Well, anon. Thank you for these pieces of advice.
I’m not being sarcastic or defensive, but really, this THANK YOU is genuine.
But I just want to state my case.
‘Stop being so martyr’ - I didn’t expect that you will see me that way, but in reality, I am used to doing everything for the person I care and love. I can give everything I’ve got. And you’re not the only person who told me that and until now, I dunno if I should feel insulted or flattered. Either way, I’m martyr, thank you.
‘He’s not worth it’ - I know that from the start. I am a third wheel. But my heart’s really stubborn. I’m sorry.
‘Bata ka pa’ - Thank you for reminding me! My life’s so fvcked up that I almost forget that I’m only 17 years old.
‘Tigil na. Masakit na yan e’ - I’ve told my self those words gazillion times and believe me, its really hard.
‘Your love can wait’ - I dunno what you mean by this but yes, I believe that love can wait. Wait, wait and wait. :|
‘Ikaw lang ang makakapagpaaya sa sarili mo’ - Not being emo or what, but I really forget how to feels happy. Genuinely happy.
And your last statement,
‘Happiness is a choice. Piliin mo kung saan ka sasaya, hindi yung saan ka masasaktan’ - I found happiness with his company. He made me feel like I’m special - introducing me to his cousins, friends. accompanying me anywhere. him being my brother. Yes, I assumed and expected. But really, I am just a girl and to be treasured with someone like him (which is really not) is just, ugh. I know I am wrong. I am not in the right place. Feelings are irrational. I’m insane. I don’t have the right and me being ‘just a girl’ is the lamest reason you might have heard. But really, I’m weak and I’m fooled by his words and actions.
I did everything, gave everything, offered everything I have. And I know I’m a fool. I’m sorry. But this is just me being ME.
It’s hard to fall in-love with someone whom you already know, can’t love you back. Even worse? When that person already has someone.
You try to block the pain and the sadness because whenever he’s around, he gives you this feeling of temporary fairytale.
Chances are very small but you don’t know why your hopes are getting higher. You keep on thinking, that maybe, there’s a possibility - a little voice inside your head that is saying: “Maybe… Someday… He’ll feel, see, and realize… How much he means to me.”
It’s hard, especially when he’s always near. You constantly feel the need to stay away, but you couldn’t. It’s like, there’s magnetic, gravitational pull, that, even if you’re hurting, you keep on falling - much, much, and much deeper than the first fall.
As much as you want to stay away, is how much you want to be with him - in any way possible.
You couldn’t care less what will be the consequences, because, in your own little world, he’s the Prince Charming that can never be and will never be yours.
You just want to be his world, but he already has. Yeah. It sucks.